Feeding Frenzy!

WOW. I've never been in a competitive eating situation before.

And I can tell you right friggin now, that if I wasn't going to be getting some kind of fantastic prize or at least a trophy, I wouldn't do it again! That really isn't something you do just for fun. Because it isn't fun...

Well, I take that back. At first it's fun. Like yesterday, it was fun.

This morning when I first got up? Yup, fun.

Getting to work and being all psyched up by Bill and everyone else at the station, fun!

Seeing the competition arrive, sizing them up & giving them the 'stink eye'.... Fun!

The one last opportunity to talk smack and laugh with the other competitors fun!
(notice right there I said last opportunity to laugh? It really was.)

The final countdown, hand hovering over plate, fun!
Ready......Set........EAT!

OK. STOP!

See, cause this right here... is where the friggin fun stops. Now it is every man for himself!
You stare down at the plate of food before you, and feel the tension building. Your ears hear "EAT" and your hand goes for the hot dog! You bring it up to your mouth and take a big bite and start chewing like mad! You couldn't possibly chew any faster or fit more in your mouth, and suddenly you're feeling pretty confident with your skills, and wonder why you didn't enter one of these contests before? But, as you raise your head to look at the guy beside you, you see that he seems to be going faster and eating more!

You're incredulous! How can this be? You think to yourself, "No way this guy is going faster than me", and you stuff what you've got left in your hand into your mouth, even though you already know there's no room to do so. Now, you've got a little hot dog end sticking out from between your lips, you can't close your mouth and you look like a fool, but you don't care!!

This is serious business people!!!!

You grab another dog, and take a quick swig of H2O to clear out the pipes, and again, you start chowing...

You watch in horror as the guy grabs not just one more hot dog, but TWO! Now, the jerk has both hands full of hot dogs!! He is shoving them into his face at the same time as fast as he can and chewing and shoving, chewing and shoving...

OMG!!!

So, you start chewing faster, and getting your left hand ready with the next hot dog, while your right hand is still holding the one you're already working on...Soon, you're alternating hands...Right, left, right, left, grab another, right, grab another left, right, left....It's insane!
And even though your jaws are moving at breakneck pace, you feel like you're slowing down. The only problem is that the guy next door, yeah he's still there, seems to be going as fast if not faster than he was only seconds ago!

You make a mad dash for another dog, and you hear the time keeper say 30 seconds! Your eyes bulge and you keep chewing, but so does 'speedy jaws'! 15 seconds! At this point you feel panic set in, and start shoving for all you're worth. 10 seconds! Now, your eyes are looking from your plate to the one in front of the eating machine next to you and you see that his plate is so much more empty than yours, and think OMG!! NO!!!

5...4...3...2...1..STOP!

It's over. Your hands fall to your sides and the hot dog remnants in your hands drop to the floor. (Your mouth is chewing automatically at this point, you don't even have to think about it)You feel the defeat and the bitterness of loss to the guy next to you. You just know that he won. He was so much faster! Now, you feel resentment toward him. How could he beat you??

Your eyes squint, your jaw sets, and your mind starts thinking terrible thoughts...
"I hope your belly hurts later you jerk!" "I hope you puke and get it all over yourself!"
And then you hear the judge claim the guy way down at the end of the table the winner...

"What? Jerky-jaws-eating-machine didn't win after all? Wow.....WOW!.....Alright!"
And you look over at him as you smile and say to yourself "I knew you weren't going to win the entire time. I was never worried about you. What, me worry?"

And now, the competition is over. You accept the defeat and continue on with your day.

But, here is where I found out that the full ramifications of what I'd actually done, were yet to come...About 20 minutes after our little competition had ended, I felt pretty sick. I decided that something needed to be done, and there was really only one option.

Oh God.

I hate that option. I am not bulimic for a reason OK? I don't like to puke.

But, alas....it had to be done.

I walked myself down the hall, looking at the bathroom door looming before me, dreading what I had to do once I went in and closed it behind me. I stood staring down at the toilet, willing those dogs to come back up the way they'd gone, but, for some stupid reason gravity doesn't work with an upward motion...So, I bent over. Still trying to will them up on their own, I spat a few times, and waited. Still nothing. Waited some more, the whole time thinking about how bad my belly hurt. Still nothing.

I stood up, closed my eyes and talked myself through the next part of my option. I bent back over, and ended up having to coax those dogs outta there... That's right, I had to make myself puke. I wanted to do it on my own, but I just couldn't! I'm not proud of that, but my God man...all those dogs, all that sodium, I had to! I had to coax!! ARRRGGHHH!

My coaxing was effective. So effective however, I ended up having to clean most of the bathroom. Over an hour later, I was still feeling quite ill, and now, it's been several hours and I don't think I will be eating anything until tomorrow sometime. And, you can bet your @ss it won't be a hot dog!

I wonder how my fellow competitors are feeling right now?

Congratulations to Tim, he was the champ today, and poor Todd! It was pretty funny watching you puke on video, so thanks for that! (I am jealous that you didn't have to do any coaxing) and to Matt.. The eating machine... Man, you could have a career out of eating like that! You're a maniac! If it had been just the two of us, you would have torn me up! Thanks for being a great motivator and subject of my blog. You friggin rock, and I hope all of you have a wonderful and safe holiday weekend!!!

Rock on with your bad /hot dog eating/ holiday enjoyin/ self,

H

Tie on the feed bag boys - it's time to put your hotdog where your mouth is!

So, the big day is finally here...

Franks Frankfurter Feeding Frenzy.

You vs. me.

I don't know if I should feel like a bride before her wedding or a gunfighter walking into a strange town. Don't suppose it much matters though, I signed up for it, and I'm going to follow through with it. I'd like to make it known that I have no predictions for this contest. I have NOT made any bets with Bill regarding the outcome, as I am busy lately and don't really care to have to wash his friggin car on Preble Street again...that pretty much sucked.

Anyhow, I agreed to do this contest, because I really do like hot dogs! I often ask Carl at Whip's to make me up a couple on the grill with relish and spicy mustard. He also puts cheese on them, which is quite nice. I had hoped that I would just get two dogs, in buns of course, with the tasty relish/mustard combo that I'm so fond of that I could sit and savor while you (the contestants) battled it out with one another! Since I can't win the prize anyway, why kill myself over it? I don't want to be sick any more than you do.

So, I had it all worked out with Carl. Bill heard me talking about it this morning when I was going over the final details with Carl, and, of course he said...
"Uh...What're you planning?..No.....I don't hardly think so... You're going to eat those dogs just like the contestants are!"

I tried to tell him how funny it would be if I sat and slowly ate mine, taking my time, dabbing with a napkin, and he was having NONE of that! So, now, I have to do it. And, since I have to do it, you better lookout. I may not get the prize but, I still get bragging rights if I beat you!

Knowing full well that I could win if I kept these secrets to myself; I am choosing to share them with you dear listener, so everyone has a fair and fighting chance. Hot dogs are as beloved to Americans as apple pie. So are the competitive eating contests that go along with them. There are people who win eating contests consistently, and it's never about their size; it's about their technique. First of all, it is important to note that The International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE for short, and YES it is a real federation) discourages anyone under 18 years old from speed-eating at all.


Here's how you can become a hot dog eating champion in your neck of the woods.

1.) Before any speed-eating competition, it is important that you have a large dinner and good nights sleep before the event. Preferably a meal with lots of meat and potatoes. Well, maybe the potatoes aren't really that important, just eat lots and lots of meat. Steaks, roast, anything that requires a lot of chewing. You really want to exercise those jaws before the event, so you don't pull a muscle or something. If you're not sure after a few steaks that you're going to be OK with the muscles, feel free to eat a few more helpings, but just make sure you get to bed right after you put down the fork, you need to rest!

2.) Make sure to eat a hearty breakfast. That way your stomach has a good amount of time to 'warm up' before you start really packin it in. Oatmeal is a good choice, but make sure the ones you prepare are the steel cut oats. These are heaviest and stay with you longest, making your stomach work extra hard. The business going on in your belly after eating this breakfast will feel like the 'fullness' you have after eating Thanksgiving dinner - but not to worry, that isn't a true feeling of 'fullness'. It is actually the feeling of your stomach working to digest the oats. It takes a little while to get your stomach warmed up, that is why the steel cut oats are the best choice. The stomach attacks that oatmeal more rapidly than anything else you eat, and because it is so busy in there, you feel full. Not to worry. If you start feeling this 'fullness' before you're done eating breakfast, that just means your belly is acting just as it should. Keep on eating, you'll need your strength. Especially if you were up late eating tons of steaks while exercising your jaw muscles. Exercise makes you really tired. Maybe you should have a big glass of milk with your oatmeal. You need to stay hydrated while you're exercising.

3.) Hot dog eating contests are not about taste or appetite. They're about control. Pack it down. Wiggle your body as you're eating to help the food down people refer to this as the "Kobayashi wiggle". Use your hands to eat and drink as quickly as possible, make sure to take really big drinks and do so often. You're still going to be dehydrated from the exercising you did last night, and since you're stomach is already working on that oatmeal what's a few bottles of water?

4.) Lastly, vomiting during the competition will guarantee a loss. Just train your mind to ignore the urge to upchuck.

There! Now everyone can be even and all have a fair chance...
Good luck to you, and may the best radio host win!

I am going to get my oatmeal ready for tomorrow. See you at 7:45!

Rock on with your bad self!
Heidi