Feeding Frenzy!

WOW. I've never been in a competitive eating situation before.

And I can tell you right friggin now, that if I wasn't going to be getting some kind of fantastic prize or at least a trophy, I wouldn't do it again! That really isn't something you do just for fun. Because it isn't fun...

Well, I take that back. At first it's fun. Like yesterday, it was fun.

This morning when I first got up? Yup, fun.

Getting to work and being all psyched up by Bill and everyone else at the station, fun!

Seeing the competition arrive, sizing them up & giving them the 'stink eye'.... Fun!

The one last opportunity to talk smack and laugh with the other competitors fun!
(notice right there I said last opportunity to laugh? It really was.)

The final countdown, hand hovering over plate, fun!
Ready......Set........EAT!

OK. STOP!

See, cause this right here... is where the friggin fun stops. Now it is every man for himself!
You stare down at the plate of food before you, and feel the tension building. Your ears hear "EAT" and your hand goes for the hot dog! You bring it up to your mouth and take a big bite and start chewing like mad! You couldn't possibly chew any faster or fit more in your mouth, and suddenly you're feeling pretty confident with your skills, and wonder why you didn't enter one of these contests before? But, as you raise your head to look at the guy beside you, you see that he seems to be going faster and eating more!

You're incredulous! How can this be? You think to yourself, "No way this guy is going faster than me", and you stuff what you've got left in your hand into your mouth, even though you already know there's no room to do so. Now, you've got a little hot dog end sticking out from between your lips, you can't close your mouth and you look like a fool, but you don't care!!

This is serious business people!!!!

You grab another dog, and take a quick swig of H2O to clear out the pipes, and again, you start chowing...

You watch in horror as the guy grabs not just one more hot dog, but TWO! Now, the jerk has both hands full of hot dogs!! He is shoving them into his face at the same time as fast as he can and chewing and shoving, chewing and shoving...

OMG!!!

So, you start chewing faster, and getting your left hand ready with the next hot dog, while your right hand is still holding the one you're already working on...Soon, you're alternating hands...Right, left, right, left, grab another, right, grab another left, right, left....It's insane!
And even though your jaws are moving at breakneck pace, you feel like you're slowing down. The only problem is that the guy next door, yeah he's still there, seems to be going as fast if not faster than he was only seconds ago!

You make a mad dash for another dog, and you hear the time keeper say 30 seconds! Your eyes bulge and you keep chewing, but so does 'speedy jaws'! 15 seconds! At this point you feel panic set in, and start shoving for all you're worth. 10 seconds! Now, your eyes are looking from your plate to the one in front of the eating machine next to you and you see that his plate is so much more empty than yours, and think OMG!! NO!!!

5...4...3...2...1..STOP!

It's over. Your hands fall to your sides and the hot dog remnants in your hands drop to the floor. (Your mouth is chewing automatically at this point, you don't even have to think about it)You feel the defeat and the bitterness of loss to the guy next to you. You just know that he won. He was so much faster! Now, you feel resentment toward him. How could he beat you??

Your eyes squint, your jaw sets, and your mind starts thinking terrible thoughts...
"I hope your belly hurts later you jerk!" "I hope you puke and get it all over yourself!"
And then you hear the judge claim the guy way down at the end of the table the winner...

"What? Jerky-jaws-eating-machine didn't win after all? Wow.....WOW!.....Alright!"
And you look over at him as you smile and say to yourself "I knew you weren't going to win the entire time. I was never worried about you. What, me worry?"

And now, the competition is over. You accept the defeat and continue on with your day.

But, here is where I found out that the full ramifications of what I'd actually done, were yet to come...About 20 minutes after our little competition had ended, I felt pretty sick. I decided that something needed to be done, and there was really only one option.

Oh God.

I hate that option. I am not bulimic for a reason OK? I don't like to puke.

But, alas....it had to be done.

I walked myself down the hall, looking at the bathroom door looming before me, dreading what I had to do once I went in and closed it behind me. I stood staring down at the toilet, willing those dogs to come back up the way they'd gone, but, for some stupid reason gravity doesn't work with an upward motion...So, I bent over. Still trying to will them up on their own, I spat a few times, and waited. Still nothing. Waited some more, the whole time thinking about how bad my belly hurt. Still nothing.

I stood up, closed my eyes and talked myself through the next part of my option. I bent back over, and ended up having to coax those dogs outta there... That's right, I had to make myself puke. I wanted to do it on my own, but I just couldn't! I'm not proud of that, but my God man...all those dogs, all that sodium, I had to! I had to coax!! ARRRGGHHH!

My coaxing was effective. So effective however, I ended up having to clean most of the bathroom. Over an hour later, I was still feeling quite ill, and now, it's been several hours and I don't think I will be eating anything until tomorrow sometime. And, you can bet your @ss it won't be a hot dog!

I wonder how my fellow competitors are feeling right now?

Congratulations to Tim, he was the champ today, and poor Todd! It was pretty funny watching you puke on video, so thanks for that! (I am jealous that you didn't have to do any coaxing) and to Matt.. The eating machine... Man, you could have a career out of eating like that! You're a maniac! If it had been just the two of us, you would have torn me up! Thanks for being a great motivator and subject of my blog. You friggin rock, and I hope all of you have a wonderful and safe holiday weekend!!!

Rock on with your bad /hot dog eating/ holiday enjoyin/ self,

H