A letter to my dogs.

Don't get me wrong.

I love dogs.

I've got a Jack Russell Terrier, and Geoff's got a Great Dane. They get along great - they're complete opposites but they don't know that. They are the best of friends and look after one another. It's endearing...

However, as dogs, they of course do things that completely tick me off. Get on the furniture and lick themselves so much it leaves wet sloppy spots that I always end up sitting in, they bring things in from outside that are not meant to come in (sometimes things that are completely unrecognizable), Maggie especially likes to take anything sweet off the counter and have a snack. Sweet rolls, donuts, cookies, cake, pie, doesn't matter; she's not picky. And there is always a mess going on somewhere with the floor; be it drool, hair or something else that they 'drop' every so often...There's also the occasion they just use whatever is laying around to make their mess.

I came across this 'letter to my dog' and I found it so appropriate I have personalized it, printed it out and will take it home to stick on the fridge. (Of course, I am always thinking of others, and think that if I post it here, you too can use it in your home.)

Dear Roscoe and Maggie,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and/or dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. Feel free to consume that which has fallen from my plate onto the floor.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me down the hallway is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. This applies to the stairs as well Maggie...

I cannot buy afford to buy a bed bigger than the one I have. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. You can actually curl up in a ball, you know. You do not have to stretch out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the door in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine attendance is not required. Not to mention, you stare. I don't like that.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell each others butts. I cannot stress this enough. GROSS!

We love you, but honestly, enough is enough!

That being said, in fairness to Roscoe and Maggie, I have posted the following message on the front (and back) doors of our house:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR DOGS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture or just go home now.

(3) We like our dogs a lot better than we like most people, so don't push it.
(4) To you, they are just animals. To us, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and thankfully...Oh praise God, don't talk.

Rock on with your bad self,

H