Tim the Tool Man I Ain't!

As hard as it is to admit...I'm not a "fix-it" guy. No matter how many re-runs of Home Improvement I watch...nothing seems to help.



Plumbing, carpentry, electric...if it needs fixed the only thing I know how to do is make a phone call...show them the problem...get out of the way...and write a check!

Now if you need to know what website has the latest entertainment news...or you need an update on the New England Patriots backfield...or wanna find out where Clapton is playing his next concert...then I'm your guy!



We all have our own skill set...unfortunately mine doesn't include knowing my way around a tool box! In a way I'm a little jealous of all those "fix it" guys with their cool tool belts, and that big ring of keys hanging off their pants...however, the fact that their pants are usually hanging so low that I can see a little crack does take away from the mystic...just a little!

My lack of home repair skills came was magnified tenfold yesterday when I had to call an electrician to the house.

Charmen turned on a lamp...and immediately the entire house went dark! Of course everyone turned to me and asked in unison, "What happened?"

TALK ABOUT PRESSURE!

How am I supposed to know? I'm not a "fix it" guy! Why doesn't someone ask me if I know the run time on Don't Fear The Reaper? I can answer that!



So off to the basement I marched...down the stairs in the dark...praying to God that the kids didn't leave something on the steps or that a cat doesn't run between my legs. Oh...and if you're wondering why I didn't take a flashlight...I'll just remind you that I have a 6 and an 8 year old...batteries last about 12 minutes in my house!

So I groped my way to the fuse box, flipped the breaker...and magic...lights!

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Ooops! Maybe not. The power went out again.

Now if I was a "fix it"guy I would have know right then that I had bigger problems than no batteries for the flashlight....but since I'm more inclined to tell you where to find the Vern Troyer sex tape on line...I didn't have a clue.

I just kept flipping that breaker, praying for a miracle...gauging my success by the cheers or the boos coming from the living room!

Finally, after hearing my oldest son say, "Mom...Dad doesn't know what he's doing"...I resigned myself to the cold hard truth...I was defeated.

The climb up the dark staircase was the longest walk of my life...not only did I know that I wasn't a "fix it" guy with a cool tool belt...now my kids knew too. It wouldn't be long until the entire neighborhood heard the news...

I could almost hear them whispering to one another about me...mumbling under their breath...smirking...rushing their children into the house whenever I threw up my hand in greeting.


My wife would be scorned...no longer invited to the Tupperware party, or invited on the neighborhood walk on Sunday evenings. My kids would get beat up and harassed...no longer invited to pool parties, or play dates, no more neighborhood kids crowding around my TV watching Chowder...

Hey, hang on a second...maybe this has an upside after all!!

Anyway, I had to call an electrician. He came to the house and immediately knew what the problem was...thank God he's a family friend so he didn't rake me over the coals on the price. And while I was kinda bummed that I'm not a "fix it" guy...he was pretty happy for the opportunity to make some extra cash. My wife was just happy the light would be back on sometime this year.

And my kids? Well, even though their dad doesn't always know what he's doing...he still knows his way to Big Daddy's for ice cream...and that always makes me cool...until the next time something needs fixed!